I won.

With a total loss of 40.5 pounds, I have vanquished all other contestants.  A total loss of 18.5% - the nearest next was 16.8 - putting me a head by a significant margin.

Bask in my rather normal weight.

Now that I have lost all this weight, the question remains - what do I do now?  The prevailing theory is that I’ll put it back on and I must discount that immediately because I already have plans with my new heightened physique.

I plan on becoming an amateur boxer.  And no, not the stocky Germanic breed of dog - a boxer… of the fists.  Every year the University puts on a boxing match called The Bengal Bouts.  In this match, men fight each other in the hopes of beating someone up far faster than they get beaten up.

Now, the exact mechanics of boxing are something of a mystery to me - I’ve never been a fan of the sport, mostly because I don’t have pay per view and the whole “pro sport” aspect of boxing seems like a sham.  SO, I’ll just do this low key and, for 2009, will square off in the ring with some of the finest athletes at Notre Dame.

And maybe get my ass kicked.

I’ve got a year.

Can you guess what the next 12 months of blog posts are going to be?

My D-Day

Tomorrow is the Big Day. The weigh in. Having already established that I plan on giving the money to some charity, I really no longer care about that - just victory. Victory over myself, the people that kept up the refrain “if you don’t eat you wont lose any weight,” the people that didn’t think I could control by impulses and, most importantly myself.

I have been taking laxities for a few days now and just POOPING my guts out. I also haven’t had anything to eat all day and won’t be eating until after the weigh in. I’m also going to stop drinking fluids in about 30 minutes. 40 hours without food and 16 hours without water… I’m also planning on doing a 58 minute workout just before the weigh in.

Victory or Death.

I anticipate seeing Jesus. Or at least going slightly crazy. Permanent damage is possible. I’m already noticing. Yesterday I had a salad, which I promptly shat out with the power of Ex-Lax. I mean… what happens when you deny yourself these things for so long? I don’t think I ever have even tried something like this. Not drinking anything AND working out. It doesn’t really seem safe, to be honest… but I KNOW it’s possible and I WILL win. There’s no alternative.

You shall see me home on the shoulders of my men with the heat of victory pounding in their hearts or you shall see them cary me in a box to lay me down in the Earth. I’ve come to understand defeat only by reputation and we will never become acquainted, I can assure you that. I shall know Victory or I shall know Death. There can be no other way.

Normal weight

This week was better than anticipated. The scale indicated that, for the first time in a long time, I am neither overweight nor obese by my BMI. In less than 3 months I have shed 37 pounds and am now considered “normal weight.” The mirror still looks bad. I have skin hanging off me that pinches grotesquely, but the effects are obvious. I’ve “ungrown” my belt, all my pants and my shirts look like bags that hang off me. I’m 182 pounds now and, though I don’t feel it, I’m certainly a lot smaller than I used to be.

30 pounds GONE.

I’ve lost 30 pounds.  Hellz yeah.  I stepped on the scale today and I thought something was wrong with it.  After almost three weeks of plateauing, I’ve lost 10 pounds in 10 days.  My new plan, which I’ve simply referred to as Victory or Death is working… for the better.  Which is nice.  Since I didn’t really want to die.  So, when my ass stepped on the scale and it was all like “Oh hai!  U way 189 pounds lol.” I was like “OMGWTFRTOFLWWJDKTHXBAI!”  This means that, I’m fairly confident, I will win this competition because my secret is something no normal human being would do.  It’s so horrible and painful and disgusting, that I just don’t see how one could possibly even WANT to do it.  Doing Atkins while taking Alli is torture but unbelievably effective.

Do I have regrets?  Well… I’ve lost some underwear along the way.  My skin is always burning and I can’t wake up in the morning.  Every day I feel horribly hungry but!  BUT!  This is a victory over another group of people I find HORRIBLY OBNOXIOUS.  The people that say this line… i want to punch them in the face.  Even though they’re my friends and I love them dearly, I still want to punch them in the face:

“If you don’t eat, your metabolism slows down and you don’t loose weight.”

*PUNCH*  GODDAMN IT.  If you don’t eat, you loose weight.  PERIOD.  We don’t have magic fairy metabolisms where if you’re starving you just convert the world’s happiness into cute belly fat.  Yes, your metabolism slows down but it doesn’t STOP.  Do you know what happens when your metabolism stops?  You die.  But you can’t argue with these people.  They’re relentless.  OMG YOURE ONLY EATING 800 CALORIES A DAY?!  YOU CANT LOOSE WEIGHT DOING THAT.

I just lost 30 pounds doing it.

Not eating is the greatest diet ever.  Not that I don’t eat.  I do.  I eat less than most people, but I don’t eat over 1000 calories a day.  What isn’t a good idea is to think that not eating will some how keep you from loosing weight.  That’s a diet of stupidity.  Not eating will help you loose weight.  Unless you haver magic fairy metabolism.   Let me give you my general run down on how to loose weight:

1.  Stop eating so much.

That’s it!  With the magic fairy metabolism myth dispelled there’s nothing else to do but follow step 1.  If it isn’t working, see step 1 and consider following it.  If you’re still having problems loosing weight.  You should really stop eating because you’re obviously not following step one.  Seriously.  The fat doesn’t sneak in your thighs while you’re not looking.  You may actually only need to eat 1000 calories day if you’re a 5’ tall woman.  Humans aren’t really that large of animals.  You know, we’re about the size of deer and they get food from eating leaves off bushes.  Not deep fried leaves over duck confit, covered in brown sugar with a side of mashed potatoes and butter.  Deer don’t eat that.  And they’re not fat.  So be like Bamby.  Or better yet, be like Bamby’s mom.  And die.  Here is another step that will HELP you, though it’s not wholly necessary:

2.  Get off your ass and walk.

I’ll admit, it’s hard work getting off your ass.  I love sitting on my ass.  It’s great fun.  But that does nothing.  Getting off your ass and doing work is another way to burn calories and keep your metabolism up (Honestly, what slows your metabolism down more?  Not eating or not doing anything? — The correct answer is B) Seeing as how metabolism is directly associated with the NEED to expend energy which trumps its availability — and if you’re fat, then you have plenty of it, thanks Krebb’s cycle!)

Continued advancement

I think I’m over the plague. I didn’t stop swimming or working out because of it. Victory or death, you know. I missed swimming/running yesterday due to awesome shit in the lab, but that’s another blog. I’m feeling better, overall. Switching to lower carbs has really helped my mood stabilize, actually. I was expecting the opposite, but I feel better than when I was focusing on the low fat diet. Now that my diet is essentially just whole plants and muscle tissue, I feel pretty normal now.

My skin burns. It’s so dry. It’s like, it dries out and then cracks and sweat gets in and burns the holy hell out of it. Not only that, but it smells like the pool.

Sickness and Alli

Sickness.  I has is.  I suppose I’ve contracted the plague, but it’s hard to say.  The infection they say starts in the throat and works its way into the lungs, much like a Nigerian bushman’s cock.  I went to the pool today to get some good lung fulls of chlorinated water and then went for a brief run.  I’m pleased to say my throat is feeling better, but I can tell it’s begun its descent into my dirty brown breathing bags.  Goddamn cigarettes.  They did this to me.  I would have been unaffected by this flu this season had I just abstained from the deliciousness of smoking tobacco.

I also started taking Alli.  It’s a weight loss drug that blocks the absorption of fats.  It works - I know it - since my bunghole has finally stopped leaking.  I want to remind everyone that blocking absorption of fat and then eating a huge plate of baby back pork ribs is a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad idea.  Like poop your ass cheeks all day and night bad.