The end of Chapter 1 AKA, the open secrets.

The general flow of the preceding 3 months was rough, to say the least. Losing 40 pounds in that short span of time was taxing on myself, my relationships and my responsibilities at work. It was difficult, but it was accomplished. So, here I’ll do a bit of a review of the process that took 3 months to go from 219 pounds to 178.5 pounds.

Firstly, two things helped me a great deal. My family and Sparkpeople. My wife was exceptionally patient with me from the beginning to the end. I think, in her own way, she knew she would benefit from a skinnier, healthier husband, but in order to do that, she had to have the patients to put up with my odd emotional outburst. Losing weight is a complicated biochemical process. It’s a path that necessitates blunt force through a delicate corridor. The hormones that regulate weight gain and weight loss also operate as neurotransmitters and work within complicated feedback mechanisms to produce feelings of hunger and satiation. All this means, quite roughly, is that weight fluctuations translate into dramatic mood swings. Insulin, for instance, is an immensely important and complicated player in the process and regulating it by adjusting the available glucose levels appears to have a more dramatic effect on weight loss than simply regulating calories.

I am thus advocating the “Atkins” method to produce rapid weight loss. Now does this necessarily indicate that the weight loss is due to the loss of fat? That answer appears to be yes. A conclusion which appears to be born out by more thorough analyses published in actual respectable journals of medical sciences. For one, from JAMA: (The article is available free to the public here.)

Weight loss was greater for women in the Atkins diet group compared with the other diet groups at 12 months, and mean 12-month weight loss was significantly different between the Atkins and Zone diets (P<.05). Mean 12-month weight loss was as follows: Atkins, –4.7 kg (95% confidence interval [CI], –6.3 to –3.1 kg), Zone, –1.6 kg (95% CI, –2.8 to –0.4 kg), LEARN, –2.6 kg (–3.8 to –1.3 kg), and Ornish, –2.2 kg (–3.6 to –0.8 kg). Weight loss was not statistically different among the Zone, LEARN, and Ornish groups. At 12 months, secondary outcomes for the Atkins group were comparable with or more favorable than the other diet groups.

An early study published in the New England Journal of Medicine, arguably the most elite journal of medical research agrees and found:

Seventy-nine subjects completed the six-month study. An analysis including all subjects, with the last observation carried forward for those who dropped out, showed that subjects on the low-carbohydrate diet lost more weight than those on the low-fat diet (mean [±SD], –5.8±8.6 kg vs. –1.9±4.2 kg; P=0.002) and had greater decreases in triglyceride levels (mean, –20±43 percent vs. –4±31 percent; P=0.001), irrespective of the use or nonuse of hypoglycemic or lipid-lowering medications. Insulin sensitivity, measured only in subjects without diabetes, also improved more among subjects on the low-carbohydrate diet (6±9 percent vs. –3±8 percent, P=0.01). The amount of weight lost (P<0.001) and assignment to the low-carbohydrate diet (P=0.01) were independent predictors of improvement in triglyceride levels and insulin sensitivity.

Theories as to why fat is used differently than sugar is a field in its infancy. A general review can be found here, though any notion in its infancy is always subject to question and being overturned.

The consensus opinion appears to be:

1. Such diets result in greater weight loss compared to control groups
2. They are effective and generally safe for periods examined over the course of 12 months
3. No studies, that I am aware of have assessed their safety beyond 12 months
4. It is safe to remain on the diet 7 days a week, all 12 months, if you have no preexisting medical conditions which would prohibit you from eating large quantities of proteins or fats.

First, let me show you the course of my weight loss:

Make your own decisions there. Two factors combined strongly indicate, to me at least, that after 14 days of nominal weight loss and a sudden rapid resumption of weight loss after switching diet is a good indicator to me that one diet works markedly differently than another. BUT the addition of Alli makes my own personal results questionable. Was it the Alli? Was it the diet? Was it both? My inclination is to believe it is a combination of the two. But, that’s only a small bit of the data. Here is the nutritional data:

The largest difference was in the total number of carbohydrates consumed - the amount of fat I ate as well as the total calories were roughly the same. But, again, that’s not all the data either.

This rather strange chart is the approximate calories I burned by doing a combination of swimming, running and elliptical. Clearly, starting at the month of march, I increased my work out significantly.

In the end, the raw conclusion is that a combination of diet and exercise is necessary to decrease weight. Not a very novel conclusion, I know, and (to make matters worse) there are too many complicating factors to suggest that any one single thing helped the most. Was it the switch to Atkins, the use of Alli or the sudden and extreme increase in cardiovascular exercise that contributed the most to the sudden resumption of rapid weight loss? I don’t know. But that’s the full expose of my secrets.

I also want to thank my father for generating a nice workout schedule, which I did put to good use. Because I injured my knee, I had to substitute swimming for the last four weeks in place of 20 minutes of cardio.

I won.

With a total loss of 40.5 pounds, I have vanquished all other contestants.  A total loss of 18.5% - the nearest next was 16.8 - putting me a head by a significant margin.

Bask in my rather normal weight.

Now that I have lost all this weight, the question remains - what do I do now?  The prevailing theory is that I’ll put it back on and I must discount that immediately because I already have plans with my new heightened physique.

I plan on becoming an amateur boxer.  And no, not the stocky Germanic breed of dog - a boxer… of the fists.  Every year the University puts on a boxing match called The Bengal Bouts.  In this match, men fight each other in the hopes of beating someone up far faster than they get beaten up.

Now, the exact mechanics of boxing are something of a mystery to me - I’ve never been a fan of the sport, mostly because I don’t have pay per view and the whole “pro sport” aspect of boxing seems like a sham.  SO, I’ll just do this low key and, for 2009, will square off in the ring with some of the finest athletes at Notre Dame.

And maybe get my ass kicked.

I’ve got a year.

Can you guess what the next 12 months of blog posts are going to be?

My D-Day

Tomorrow is the Big Day. The weigh in. Having already established that I plan on giving the money to some charity, I really no longer care about that - just victory. Victory over myself, the people that kept up the refrain “if you don’t eat you wont lose any weight,” the people that didn’t think I could control by impulses and, most importantly myself.

I have been taking laxities for a few days now and just POOPING my guts out. I also haven’t had anything to eat all day and won’t be eating until after the weigh in. I’m also going to stop drinking fluids in about 30 minutes. 40 hours without food and 16 hours without water… I’m also planning on doing a 58 minute workout just before the weigh in.

Victory or Death.

I anticipate seeing Jesus. Or at least going slightly crazy. Permanent damage is possible. I’m already noticing. Yesterday I had a salad, which I promptly shat out with the power of Ex-Lax. I mean… what happens when you deny yourself these things for so long? I don’t think I ever have even tried something like this. Not drinking anything AND working out. It doesn’t really seem safe, to be honest… but I KNOW it’s possible and I WILL win. There’s no alternative.

You shall see me home on the shoulders of my men with the heat of victory pounding in their hearts or you shall see them cary me in a box to lay me down in the Earth. I’ve come to understand defeat only by reputation and we will never become acquainted, I can assure you that. I shall know Victory or I shall know Death. There can be no other way.

Normal weight

This week was better than anticipated. The scale indicated that, for the first time in a long time, I am neither overweight nor obese by my BMI. In less than 3 months I have shed 37 pounds and am now considered “normal weight.” The mirror still looks bad. I have skin hanging off me that pinches grotesquely, but the effects are obvious. I’ve “ungrown” my belt, all my pants and my shirts look like bags that hang off me. I’m 182 pounds now and, though I don’t feel it, I’m certainly a lot smaller than I used to be.

30 pounds GONE.

I’ve lost 30 pounds.  Hellz yeah.  I stepped on the scale today and I thought something was wrong with it.  After almost three weeks of plateauing, I’ve lost 10 pounds in 10 days.  My new plan, which I’ve simply referred to as Victory or Death is working… for the better.  Which is nice.  Since I didn’t really want to die.  So, when my ass stepped on the scale and it was all like “Oh hai!  U way 189 pounds lol.” I was like “OMGWTFRTOFLWWJDKTHXBAI!”  This means that, I’m fairly confident, I will win this competition because my secret is something no normal human being would do.  It’s so horrible and painful and disgusting, that I just don’t see how one could possibly even WANT to do it.  Doing Atkins while taking Alli is torture but unbelievably effective.

Do I have regrets?  Well… I’ve lost some underwear along the way.  My skin is always burning and I can’t wake up in the morning.  Every day I feel horribly hungry but!  BUT!  This is a victory over another group of people I find HORRIBLY OBNOXIOUS.  The people that say this line… i want to punch them in the face.  Even though they’re my friends and I love them dearly, I still want to punch them in the face:

“If you don’t eat, your metabolism slows down and you don’t loose weight.”

*PUNCH*  GODDAMN IT.  If you don’t eat, you loose weight.  PERIOD.  We don’t have magic fairy metabolisms where if you’re starving you just convert the world’s happiness into cute belly fat.  Yes, your metabolism slows down but it doesn’t STOP.  Do you know what happens when your metabolism stops?  You die.  But you can’t argue with these people.  They’re relentless.  OMG YOURE ONLY EATING 800 CALORIES A DAY?!  YOU CANT LOOSE WEIGHT DOING THAT.

I just lost 30 pounds doing it.

Not eating is the greatest diet ever.  Not that I don’t eat.  I do.  I eat less than most people, but I don’t eat over 1000 calories a day.  What isn’t a good idea is to think that not eating will some how keep you from loosing weight.  That’s a diet of stupidity.  Not eating will help you loose weight.  Unless you haver magic fairy metabolism.   Let me give you my general run down on how to loose weight:

1.  Stop eating so much.

That’s it!  With the magic fairy metabolism myth dispelled there’s nothing else to do but follow step 1.  If it isn’t working, see step 1 and consider following it.  If you’re still having problems loosing weight.  You should really stop eating because you’re obviously not following step one.  Seriously.  The fat doesn’t sneak in your thighs while you’re not looking.  You may actually only need to eat 1000 calories day if you’re a 5’ tall woman.  Humans aren’t really that large of animals.  You know, we’re about the size of deer and they get food from eating leaves off bushes.  Not deep fried leaves over duck confit, covered in brown sugar with a side of mashed potatoes and butter.  Deer don’t eat that.  And they’re not fat.  So be like Bamby.  Or better yet, be like Bamby’s mom.  And die.  Here is another step that will HELP you, though it’s not wholly necessary:

2.  Get off your ass and walk.

I’ll admit, it’s hard work getting off your ass.  I love sitting on my ass.  It’s great fun.  But that does nothing.  Getting off your ass and doing work is another way to burn calories and keep your metabolism up (Honestly, what slows your metabolism down more?  Not eating or not doing anything? — The correct answer is B) Seeing as how metabolism is directly associated with the NEED to expend energy which trumps its availability — and if you’re fat, then you have plenty of it, thanks Krebb’s cycle!)

Continued advancement

I think I’m over the plague. I didn’t stop swimming or working out because of it. Victory or death, you know. I missed swimming/running yesterday due to awesome shit in the lab, but that’s another blog. I’m feeling better, overall. Switching to lower carbs has really helped my mood stabilize, actually. I was expecting the opposite, but I feel better than when I was focusing on the low fat diet. Now that my diet is essentially just whole plants and muscle tissue, I feel pretty normal now.

My skin burns. It’s so dry. It’s like, it dries out and then cracks and sweat gets in and burns the holy hell out of it. Not only that, but it smells like the pool.

Sickness and Alli

Sickness.  I has is.  I suppose I’ve contracted the plague, but it’s hard to say.  The infection they say starts in the throat and works its way into the lungs, much like a Nigerian bushman’s cock.  I went to the pool today to get some good lung fulls of chlorinated water and then went for a brief run.  I’m pleased to say my throat is feeling better, but I can tell it’s begun its descent into my dirty brown breathing bags.  Goddamn cigarettes.  They did this to me.  I would have been unaffected by this flu this season had I just abstained from the deliciousness of smoking tobacco.

I also started taking Alli.  It’s a weight loss drug that blocks the absorption of fats.  It works - I know it - since my bunghole has finally stopped leaking.  I want to remind everyone that blocking absorption of fat and then eating a huge plate of baby back pork ribs is a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad idea.  Like poop your ass cheeks all day and night bad.

Breaking through the plateau

Each day I doubt it could get any harder and then, the next day, it is indeed harder.  I broke through the “plateau” and lost 4 pounds this week.  I cut carbs down to around 20g a day and my swimming+running/elliptical regiment has really drained me.  Not eating carbs has had the unintended consequence of limiting my dietary consumption so much that I’m under 800 cals a day.  I’m finding myself confused and disoriented a lot now.  It’s no longer a grumpy-hungry feeling but a sort of brain damaged feeling.  Though, I’m quite certain, no brain damage has occurred (so keep your worries to a minimum.)

Tired of the nagging

Oh for the love of God, quit it with the preaching. Would it make you feel any better if I told you that I already KNEW it was bad to eat 1000 calories a day? I’m not directing this at anyone in particular because that would be a waste of time. Instead, I’m directing it at EVERYONE because everyone has been nagging me to eat. Azif I didn’t know I was supposed to do that. So, I’m going to get a talkin’ to by my dad about my diet now, is what I hear… wonder how he got wind of my ultra-low calorie diet… hmmm…

No matter. There’s a part of me that knows you people do it because you worry about me and that’s really sweet. But why don’t you worry about my publication number sor the mole on my neck or the horrible caber toss I call a golf swing? Those are all very important. Let’s be long term goal oriented, people. This all ends April 1st. Unless I die earlier. Then it will end that day.

Anyway, you nagging nannies, I’ve got BIG news for you. I’ve stepped up the diet. My intention is to either win or die. I’ve reduced my caloric intake to around 800 calories per day and I’ve started swimming and running every day. About a mile in the pool and two on the elliptical. (lucky you that my skin is too dry to swim tomorrow. This weather is totally killing.) I’ve cut my carbs down to less than 20g a day. Which means, in all, I’m starving myself. HAH! So put that in your mouth and smoke it. And how do I deal with the jitters, panic attacks and general hate that accompanies poor nutrition? DRUGS! I drink coffee to stay awake so I don’t kill myself in the lab.

Now you’re saying ‘oh damn… the boys lost it. Drugs, diets and insanity. He’s a rock star.’ Well, maybe. Maybe I have lost it. But the fat jokes, the cute little nicknames, the comments about my boobies and loosing this competition are all decisive motivating factors (as well as the $1000 for winning.) Victory or death. You can tell me to eat all you want but I’ll either be 183 pounds on April 1st or in the hospital.

You see why I don’t play competitive sports?

The pain of the diet mounts

I’m sick of this diet. It’s driving me insane. I hate working out at the gym. At this point, I hate everything - except my wife, I guess - whom I’m slightly mean to now even though I don’t mean it. I even punted Zhara for shitting on the floor. What kind of man kicks his dog? A bad man.

There is a word which summarized my feelings. Rage. Like, horrible rage. Not the kill-a-man sort of rage, but the beat-the-crap-out-of-a-chair kind.

I also ate a pound of Tofu last night in an effort to eat something with no calories. You know where most of the energy goes after you eat a pound of tofu? Craping that pound of tofu out again. My gut has given me nothing but problems. Come to think of it, I hate my digestive system. It constantly hurts. I can’t catch a break from it. Regardless of what I eat, it becomes screwed up. It always has. If I eat and walk around, it gets hurt. If I eat too much, it gets hurt. If I eat the wrong thing (of which there are many) it gets hurt. Horrible.

And my shit has been exceptionally odd smelling. Like sulfur or decomposing grass clippings. I’m not eating grass. WTF.

I’m also considering taking up smoking again. I loved smoking. It was so cool. They even have my favorite brand of smokes within walking distance from my apartment: Kools. How do you know when your cigs are awesome? They tell you so, right on the package. I wish everything were like that. But it isn’t. My intestines asks if its fat and doesn’t care how you answer, it will still get pissy and emotional. And bloated and cramped.

And that’s what’s on the top of my head right now. At 10:42, at school, wishing I were dead.

I hate you, tofu.