Oh for the love of God, quit it with the preaching. Would it make you feel any better if I told you that I already KNEW it was bad to eat 1000 calories a day? I’m not directing this at anyone in particular because that would be a waste of time. Instead, I’m directing it at EVERYONE because everyone has been nagging me to eat. Azif I didn’t know I was supposed to do that. So, I’m going to get a talkin’ to by my dad about my diet now, is what I hear… wonder how he got wind of my ultra-low calorie diet… hmmm…
No matter. There’s a part of me that knows you people do it because you worry about me and that’s really sweet. But why don’t you worry about my publication number sor the mole on my neck or the horrible caber toss I call a golf swing? Those are all very important. Let’s be long term goal oriented, people. This all ends April 1st. Unless I die earlier. Then it will end that day.
Anyway, you nagging nannies, I’ve got BIG news for you. I’ve stepped up the diet. My intention is to either win or die. I’ve reduced my caloric intake to around 800 calories per day and I’ve started swimming and running every day. About a mile in the pool and two on the elliptical. (lucky you that my skin is too dry to swim tomorrow. This weather is totally killing.) I’ve cut my carbs down to less than 20g a day. Which means, in all, I’m starving myself. HAH! So put that in your mouth and smoke it. And how do I deal with the jitters, panic attacks and general hate that accompanies poor nutrition? DRUGS! I drink coffee to stay awake so I don’t kill myself in the lab.
Now you’re saying ‘oh damn… the boys lost it. Drugs, diets and insanity. He’s a rock star.’ Well, maybe. Maybe I have lost it. But the fat jokes, the cute little nicknames, the comments about my boobies and loosing this competition are all decisive motivating factors (as well as the $1000 for winning.) Victory or death. You can tell me to eat all you want but I’ll either be 183 pounds on April 1st or in the hospital.
You see why I don’t play competitive sports?
